Business Tip: The Office Death Requiem - Twelve Ways to Kill the Passion and Potential in Your Office

by Kelly Swanson, Humorist



1. State your opinion wherever and whenever possible. Make sure that you always comment on everything that is going on. People need to hear how you feel about everything.

2. Look for the negative in everything and everybody. New project? Make sure you find out what's wrong with it and share it with everyone. New employee? Wait in dark corners to see if they slip up. Somebody makes a mistake? Hooray, you've got something to do for the rest of the day. Always be on the lookout for how people are messing up. Never ever find ways to build them up. That's not your job.

3. Squelch exciting new ideas with three ways you would have done it better. Nothing kills excitement faster than you following their new idea with how you would have done it differently. Say something pat like, "That's nice, but it will never work. We tried it ten years ago."

4. Spread Gossip. Make sure that news never stops with you. It's your duty to make sure everybody in the office knows about it by lunch - because you're concerned, of course. Then go home and tell your family. Call your friends and fill them in. And if you have time, run and tell the neighbors. They are all just waiting for you to come fill them in.

5. Make sure nobody is having fun in the office. This is not a carnival; it's a place of business. You don't pay people to have fun, you pay people to work. Wipe that smile off your face and remember that it sucks to work here. Be happy on your own time. Be glad you have a job.

6. Come up with a vision and goals that fit your agenda, type them up in a fifty-page manual, and yell at people when they don't walk around setting your words to music. Scratch your head and wonder why they aren't excited about working here. Why their actions don't reflect your missions. Why their only motivation is to get to five o'clock. Then sit down, write a revised updated mission statement, type it up, and ask that it be replaced in that notebook on the dusty shelf in the break room. Oh, yeah, and ask them to refer to it often.

7. Blame problems on other people. It's not your fault they've got a bad attitude. Never should have hired them in the first place. Sour apple spoils the bunch. Remind yourself that in the fairy tale, you are never the wicked witch - it's always somebody else. People can't be motivated, so don't even try.

8. Make sure everybody hates you. You get more respect that way. You aren't paid to be liked - you're paid to get the job done. Fear and intimidation create loyalty in a company. Keep them on their toes by reminding them that you can get rid of them at any moment.

9. Let your office double as a therapist's office. Have plenty of tissues. Let them know they can come here and get marriage advice and lots of love. Spend hours telling them how they can get Little Susie potty trained. Tell them your door is always open. We're here to make sure everybody's feelings are taken care of. Accountability? Not here. How can Cathy Customer Service be expected to work when her ex-boyfriend left her for the cross-dressing circus clown at the county fair? Let's be realistic.

10. Make sure nobody understands their value to the bottom line. An occasional thank you or a turkey at Christmas is okay. But that's it. You've given them a job and you expect them to do it and be happy about it. Don't show them the big picture of how all of you serve together as a team embracing one common coal. Please. You're not motivational speakers for gosh sakes.

11. Focus on processes more than attitude. Give them a hundred and fifty things to do and then monitor every step. It's all about the process - so, by golly, give them more every chance you get. Forget about attitude. Forget about creating a corporate culture of integrity - shoot, that's for sissies. So what if their motivation is to serve their own agenda and make sure they look good even at the customer's expense? As long as they get that report in on time, you're happy.

12. Walk away from this article all bent out of shape because I listed twelve things. Who does that? That's not the way you're supposed to do it an article! Something should be done about this! The horror! Spend the rest of the day smug and happy with yourself that you play by the rules and do things like everybody else. Congratulations. You are now part of the pack.